Dudley and Bob with Matt — 93.7 KLBJ-FM, Austin — Monday, December 5, 2016
This Show
Part 1: Matt is sick, Dale is sick of wasting money
Dale drives to the station, forgets his work computer, and drives back home to get it — 80+ miles before the show even starts. Matt is still sick and can’t afford to go back to the doctor due to rising insurance costs. Dale rants about wasting money on Christmas decorations, especially outdoor lights. The crew discusses doing ‘wacky’ holiday-week segments, including a potential ‘sound effects show’ where listeners call in to request effects and learn their origins. Carissa reveals she had to give up her dog Stevie (temporarily) because her schedule is too demanding. Dale and Bob attended a fancy show dinner at Three Forks without the rest of the cast.
Segments
- Show open and Dale’s morning ordeal [00:00:13] — Dale arrives after driving 80+ miles because he forgot his work computer at home. He drove all the way to the station, realized it was missing, and had to drive back.
- Matt’s illness and insurance woes [00:04:47] — Matt has been sick in bed all weekend with a virus. He went to the doctor but won’t go back because his insurance costs have skyrocketed and his biggest sponsor left the market, causing serious pay cuts.
- Christmas lights rant [00:12:51] — Dale’s wife wants to hire someone to hang outdoor Christmas lights. Dale argues it’s a waste of $250+ to put up lights that have to come down a month later. Bob sides with Dale on air but admits off-air Dale should just do it.
- Carissa gave up Stevie [00:16:28] — Carissa reveals she had to give her dog Stevie to her parents temporarily because she’s away from home 5am to 11pm every day and can’t take care of her. The hosts are shocked and joke about it being the end of the Stevie era.
- 1000 Ways to Die discussion [00:19:09] — Dale describes watching the TV show ‘1000 Ways to Die’ in his hotel room — a show that reenacts bizarre death scenarios with cheesy effects. The crew debates whether the deaths are real or exaggerated.
- Show dinner at Three Forks [00:33:01] — Dale and Bob reveal they went to a fancy dinner at Three Forks steakhouse (just the two of them and their wives plus one other) as a client appreciation dinner. Matt and Carissa were not invited. Dale promises on-air plugs in exchange.
- Sound effects show begins [00:39:17] — The crew starts taking calls for the ‘sound effects show,’ where listeners request sound effects and the hosts explain their origins. Gilbert calls to ask about the first time Dale used sound effects on radio.
Callers
- unnamed [00:29:40] — Called about 1000 Ways to Die, confirmed the show takes real deaths and creates ridiculous scenarios around them Contributed to the ongoing discussion about the show’s authenticity
- unnamed [00:31:00] — Noted the horrible puns in 1000 Ways to Die episode titles Brief contribution to the discussion
- Dave [00:31:18] — Called about bowling fundraiser for the show, offered to hang Dale’s Christmas lights for a case of Lone Star beer Dale declined, saying he doesn’t want to do it at all, not just that he doesn’t want to pay for it
- Kathy [00:32:44] — Asked about Stevie t-shirts and recommended the Martha Stewart/Snoop Dogg cooking show Contributed TV recommendation and reserved a Stevie shirt
- Gilbert (Los Angeles (formerly)) [00:39:41] — Asked Dale about the first time he used sound effects on radio Kicked off the sound effects segment discussion, Dale recalled using movie clips over songs in the early 80s
- unnamed [00:41:26] — Suggested a ‘Stevie’ t-shirt as a gift idea (possibly misheard the name as Chris) Brief joke contribution
Text Line
- [00:28:25] Dan Rubel requested a segment explaining all the sound effects the show uses and where they came from — read by Dale Dudley Dale decides to do the ‘sound effects show’ today based on this request
- [00:28:51] Someone (Eric) asked the most-asked question of all time (content deliberately not specified on air) — read by Dale Dudley Dale refuses to answer, saying it involves people who no longer speak to him
Quotes
Nobody drives by your house and goes, oh look, they don’t spend money frivolously.
Dale Dudley [00:12:43]
I can’t take care of her anymore. I’ve been away 5am to 11pm every day.
Carissa Jade [00:16:45]
Enjoy your breakfast of marbles. That may be the meanest thing you’ve ever said.
Dale Dudley [00:41:14]
Part 2: Sound Effects Show
The show continues its sound effects Q&A format, taking calls about the origins of various drops and sound effects. Matt Bearden’s severe nasal congestion becomes a major concern, with the crew trying to find him an ENT doctor during the show. Dale discusses a party confrontation where someone challenged him to remember their name, and shares details about a hotel stay with his wife. Technical phone issues persist due to rain.
Segments
- Sound Effects Show Opening [00:00:00] — Dale opens taking calls for the sound effects Q&A show. Discussion of San Antonio sinkhole and Breaking and Entering deadline reminder.
- Cowboys Fan Caller [00:01:00] — Hunter calls to discuss Cowboys being the best team. Dale pushes back on fans who take team success personally and say ‘it’s about heart.’
- 8182 Voicemail Story [00:02:30] — Caller asks about 8182. Dale explains it’s from obsessive voicemails left by a friend from high school who had a brain tumor and later became homeless.
- Weeba Golf Clubs Origin [00:06:06] — Caller asks about Weeba Golf Clubs. Bob explains it’s from a bad local YouTube ad for a used sporting goods store.
- Brother Cox Preacher Clip [00:06:53] — Discussion of Brother Cox sound effect from a preacher who lost it during a sermon going after teenagers. Dale relates to having attended similar churches.
- Dale Dudley Treatment Teaser [00:07:50] — Matt references getting ‘the Dale Dudley treatment,’ setting up a story for later. Brief discussion of Three Forks dinner and what constitutes the treatment.
- I’m Going to Block You Origin [00:08:48] — Michelle calls about the ‘I’m going to block you’ sound effect. Dale explains it’s from a cam girl responding to people giving her grief in chat.
- Kick It A Burger [00:09:32] — Jacob asks about ‘kick it a burger.’ Bob explains it was from a German TV show making fun of the USA, featuring a rapper and dancer.
- Fish Head Weight Loss Call (Dropped) [00:11:03] — Fish Head calls in. Dale notes he sounds thinner after losing over 100 pounds, but the phone system drops him immediately.
- Phone System Failures Begin [00:11:21] — Multiple callers get dropped in succession. Crew realizes the phone lines don’t work when it’s raining. Alternative number 512-834-0937 announced.
- Finger Gun Sound Effects [00:12:12] — Jose calls asking about ‘Austinite finger gun sound effects’ (pew pew). Hosts explain they play gun sounds when redneck callers say redneck things.
- Congratulations Serranos [00:14:01] — Ben asks about ‘Congratulations Serranos.’ Dale explains it’s from Earl Campbell doing spots for Serranos’ anniversary, leading to discussion of making fun of Earl Campbell.
- God Dang Bill / Tesla Autopilot Lady [00:14:53] — Tobin asks about ‘God dang Bill’ from a video of an elderly woman freaking out about a Tesla’s self-driving feature. Discussion of Tesla and self-driving cars follows.
- Matt’s Medical Crisis Begins [00:16:53] — Matt reveals his nasal membranes have swollen completely shut. He can’t breathe through his nose at all and is afraid he’ll choke or pass out. Takes expired cold medicine from first aid kit.
- Ghost Pepper Smoker Sound Effect [00:20:36] — Brief discussion of sound effect from guy who smoked a ghost pepper in a bong for a viral video.
- Matt’s Dale Dudley Treatment Story [00:21:14] — 20 Questions game to figure out Matt’s story about getting partial treatment at Chili Parlor. Manager Russell comped 50% of his bill, but Matt’s upset he can no longer bust Dale’s balls about never getting hooked up there.
- Bob’s Zipper Sound Effect [00:26:03] — Caller asks about Bob’s briefcase zipper. Daniel explains they recorded Bob’s actual zipper when he got up and left after repeating a Paula Deen story Dale had just done.
- Smell the Crack Game [00:27:01] — Jacob calls back asking about ‘Sniff It.’ Dale corrects him – it’s ‘Smell the Crack,’ a game he invented in Lubbock where you see someone on the street in summer and imagine what their butt crack smells like. No one wins.
- Reverse Cowgirl Insecurity Story [00:28:00] — Dale shares that during hotel sex with his wife in reverse cowgirl position, he became insecure imagining her doing the same thing for someone else if they divorced. Admits to going to his ‘sad place’ during sex.
- Tesla Gallery Discussion [00:29:12] — Caller mentions Tesla gallery at McNeil and 183. Dale frustrated you can’t test drive or buy Teslas in Texas due to dealership lobby corruption in state legislature.
- Party Name Confrontation Story [00:31:00] — Dale tells story of guy at Saturday party who challenged him with ‘What’s my name?’ Dale explains how it’s a weird, passive-aggressive move and made him defensive. Discusses proper etiquette for reintroducing yourself.
- Dead Air / Carissa’s Historic Mistake [00:36:55] — Dale mentions station was off the air on Sunday. Reminds everyone that Carissa’s two-incident dead air disaster on her first Christmas remains the biggest radio faux pas he’s witnessed, despite other colorful incidents.
- Rosemary Lehmberg Sound Effects [00:38:04] — Caller asks about District Attorney Rosemary Lehmberg soundboard. Hosts explain she’s the retiring Travis County DA, and they only have recordings of her saying ‘No.’
- Because You’re Gary [00:38:37] — Extended discussion and playback of ‘Because you’re Gary, right?’ from a viral video of two neighbors arguing over snow being blown onto property. Full heated argument played.
- See Them Stains / Squirt Pillow [00:42:02] — Caller asks about ceiling stains. Hosts discuss and play disturbing video of large woman in camouflage showing off her ‘squirt pillow’ with stains, describing her filthy room. Dale imagines alternate life in Monahans, Texas.
- Iced Coffee Sound Effect [00:45:27] — Caller asks about iced coffee sound from news story when a small-town Pennsylvania Starbucks closed.
- Stop It Bear [00:46:18] — Extended discussion and playback of ‘Stop it bear’ from video of millennial woman upset that a bear is destroying her kayak at a cabin. Dale wishes the bear had eaten her.
- Carissa Fellatio Sound Effect [00:48:03] — Caller asks about censored Carissa sound effect used whenever fellatio is insinuated. Carissa explains it was just her trying to say the word but having it censored.
- Chip and Joanna Gaines / Waco Deep Dive [00:49:12] — Dale complains his wife is reading a biography of reality TV stars Chip and Joanna Gaines. Extended discussion of Waco real estate boom, Carissa’s family farm location near their property, and Waco attractions.
- Dale’s Pain Management Needs [00:53:19] — Dale reveals he needs a pain management doctor for his shoulder and ‘Taylor Swift leg’ that won’t lift without intense pain. Takes Percocet every few days but needs proper treatment.
- St. Elsewhere Pilot / Hospital Shows [00:54:56] — Dale discusses watching the pilot of St. Elsewhere on Hulu, the only hospital show he really liked. Matt mentions the finale reveal about it all being in a snow globe.
- Dump Button Sound Effect [00:58:59] — Caller asks about the ‘dump’ sound effect. Matt explains David in the Cave made it for dumps and sidebars in September 2010. He now works at Coke FM.
- So How Sound Effect [01:01:03] — Final caller asks about ‘so how?’ sound effect. Dale explains it’s High Pockets from an argument or debate with Matt on the side show.
Recurring Bits
- The Sideshow [01:01:03] — Referenced as the source of the ‘so how’ sound effect from High Pockets argument with Matt
Callers
- Hunter [00:00:48] — Cowboys being the best team in the NFL, then asked about Bob Fonseca sound effect from Alice Eve of Star Trek Dale pushed back on Hunter saying ‘it’s about heart’ and challenged the ‘we’ mentality of fans. Hunter wouldn’t say if he owns a jersey.
- unnamed [00:02:24] — 8182 sound effect origin Led to Dale telling story about obsessive friend with brain tumor who left 20-30 voicemails per night and later became homeless
- unnamed [00:06:06] — Weeba Golf Clubs sound effect Bob explained it was from a bad local YouTube ad for used sporting goods
- Michelle [00:08:38] — I’m going to block you sound effect Dale explained origin from cam girl, but Michelle’s car was so loud in the rain they could barely hear her
- Jacob [00:09:30] — Kick it a burger sound effect and game Dale accidentally hung up on him while trying to turn down a sound effect. Jacob called back later.
- Fish Head (regular) [00:11:03] — Unknown – call dropped immediately Dale complimented him on sounding thinner after losing 100+ pounds, but phone system hung up on him. Dale didn’t touch anything.
- Jose [00:11:52] — Austinite finger gun sound effects Hard to understand, but hosts explained the pew pew gun sounds they play when redneck callers say redneck things
- Mike [00:13:02] — Unknown – immediately hung up by phone system Phone system hung up on him before he could ask his question
- Ben [00:13:55] — Congratulations Serranos sound effect Led to discussion of Earl Campbell doing spots for Serranos anniversary and the morning they made fun of him saying ‘Ponyac’
- Tobin [00:14:49] — God dang Bill sound effect from Tesla autopilot lady Launched extended discussion about Tesla cars, self-driving features, and Dale’s interest in buying one but inability to test drive in Texas
- unnamed [00:29:12] — Tesla showroom/gallery at McNeil and 183 Caller clarified there is a Tesla gallery in Austin, but Dale noted you still can’t test drive or buy there
- Jacob [00:27:01] — Called back about Smell the Crack game (he called it Sniff It) Dale explained he invented the game in Lubbock – imagining what someone’s butt crack smells like in the summer heat. No one wins. Led to Dale’s hotel sex story.
- unnamed [00:26:03] — Bob’s briefcase zipper sound effect Daniel explained they recorded Bob’s actual zipper when he left after repeating Dale’s Paula Deen story
- unnamed [00:37:37] — Rosemary Lehmberg soundboard Brief discussion that they only have recordings of the retiring DA saying ‘No’
- unnamed (Gary caller) [00:38:37] — Because you’re Gary sound effect Led to extended playback of neighbor snow argument video. Hosts discussed whether Gary is still a name people give kids.
- unnamed [00:42:02] — Ceiling stains / squirt pillow sound effect Hosts played disturbing video of woman showing her stained pillow. Dale imagined alternate life in Monahans with that woman.
- unnamed [00:45:27] — Iced coffee sound effect Brief explanation of Starbucks closure news story origin
- unnamed [00:46:18] — Stop it bear sound effect Extended playback of bear destroying kayak video. Dale wished the bear had eaten the woman.
- unnamed [00:48:03] — Carissa fellatio sound effect Carissa explained she was just trying to say the word but it got censored
- unnamed [00:58:59] — Dump button sound effect age and origin Matt explained David in the Cave made it in September 2010 for dumps and sidebars
- unnamed [01:01:03] — So how sound effect from High Pockets Dale explained it’s from a Sideshow argument/debate with Matt. Mentioned he’s not speaking to High Pockets right now.
Text Line
- [00:56:57] Multiple people texted Dale on Sunday about the station being off the air with dead air, asking if everything was okay — read by Dale Dudley Dale responded that he doesn’t work on Sundays. Led to him reminding everyone of Carissa’s historic two-incident dead air disaster on her first Christmas.
- [00:58:00] Text from Julie offering an internal medicine doctor for Matt who is just as good as an ENT, located at 12th and Trinity near Matt’s house — read by Dale Dudley Matt agreed to contact the doctor during the break. Hosts thanked Julie.
Quotes
Hunter, you don’t play on the Cowboys. You and I don’t play on the Cowboys.
Dale Dudley [00:01:32]
You’re putting your ego in the hopes and dreams of millionaire athletes.
Dale Dudley [00:01:41]
Are phones important to a call-in show?
Dale Dudley [00:13:27]
I am afraid that I am going to choke and die.
Matt Bearden [00:17:42]
You get the with treatment. You guys get full cop. I got half cop because I’m with Matt Bearden.
Matt Bearden [00:25:00]
I imagine myself alone knowing that she was giving somebody like Ronald Chang that kind of love.
Dale Dudley [00:28:48]
Do you remember me? What a weird thing to do.
Dale Dudley [00:32:59]
My wife is reading a biography of reality TV stars.
Dale Dudley [00:45:04]
Part 3: Matt’s Sick Chronicles Continue
The third hour of the December 5, 2016 show featured a struggling sound effects Q&A segment hampered by phone system failures blamed on rain. Matt’s illness worsened dramatically throughout the hour, his voice deteriorating to near-unintelligibility. The hosts discussed topics ranging from a liquor store burglary with hilariously bad surveillance photos, to controversy over Mall of America hiring a black Santa, to various videos and Seinfeld references. The show wrapped early so the crew could select Breaking and Entering families, with Matt planning to skip the meeting due to his condition.
Segments
- Opening – Holiday Book Chaos [00:00:01] — Dale explains they’re in the ‘holiday book’ with no prep, phones broken, and he drove 100 miles round-trip to Leander. The show planned to do sound effects Q&A but the phone system hangs up on callers automatically.
- Matt’s Doctor Dilemma [00:01:13] — Matt discusses trying to get to a doctor but facing insurance confusion and phone difficulties. Dale encourages him to call his doctor Julie despite Matt’s deteriorating condition.
- Sound Effects Show Begins [00:02:12] — Despite phone problems, they attempt the sound effects Q&A using alternate number 512-834-0937. Callers ask about various drops including ‘goddamn bill’ (Tesla autopilot woman), ‘8182’ (mentally ill friend), and ‘who cares’ (Pat Robertson).
- Matt’s Condition Worsens [00:08:18] — Discussion about Matt needing to see an ENT specialist. He describes frightening symptoms including feeling like he might choke, water pulling back up from his esophagus, and voice changing mid-sentence.
- 310 to Yuma Giveaway [00:10:44] — Promo for 310 to Yuma concert at ACL on December 28. Text ‘JUNGLE’ to 512-973-8300.
- AT&T Internet Sponsor Read [00:11:09] — Bob and Dale do AT&T Internet ad, joking it’s more reliable than their rain-affected phone system. $30/month promotion.
- Dale’s Monday Drinking Anxiety [00:12:13] — Dale says he should quit drinking on weekends because he has no confidence on Mondays, everything makes him sad. By end of week he’s ‘kicking ass and taking names.’
- More Sound Effect Origins [00:13:17] — Callers ask about ‘Attention citizens of Texas!’ (Frankie the weather Asperger’s guy), ‘you can do it’ (Waterboy/Rob Schneider), and other drops. Phone quality remains terrible.
- Crystal Calls from UAE [00:18:25] — Recurring caller Crystal calls from the Middle East using VPN to bypass streaming blocks. She’s at 7pm her time, discusses life under Sharia law in UAE vs. Saudi Arabia, mentions coming on the comedy cruise.
- Dr. Wang and Frugality [00:21:48] — Dale discusses seeing Dr. Wang at weekend party, how he wouldn’t drink because on-call. Dr. Wang and his lawyer wife are wealthy but fly coach to Australia – Dale attributes it to Asian frugality.
- On the Rocks Liquor Store Burglary [00:23:09] — Dale’s Leander liquor store (On the Rocks) was burglarized Saturday night. Thief got $140 and a gun but no liquor. News footage shows hilariously blurry surveillance photo that’s essentially unusable – just a shoulder and beanie visible.
- Semen Socks to Greg Abbott Campaign [00:28:44] — Discussion of Satanic Temple activist encouraging people to mail semen-covered items to Governor Abbott to protest Texas fetus funeral rules. Hosts find the campaign poorly named and unlikely to get publicity.
- Videos: Fireworks Wake-Up and 6th Street K-2 Users [00:32:17] — They watch videos: someone waking person with massive fireworks (possibly staged), and disturbing footage from 6th Street of people frozen on K-2 synthetic drugs. Bob initially thinks it’s the mannequin challenge but it’s actually drug users.
- Mannequin Challenge Football Play [00:37:00] — High school football team (Del Oro or Antelope) does mannequin challenge as trick play, hiking ball between two players’ legs for touchdown.
- Black Santa Controversy [00:39:29] — Mall of America hired first black Santa (Larry Jefferson, retired Army vet from Irving, Texas). Minneapolis Star Tribune had to shut down comments due to racist responses. Discussion of Santa’s actual origins (St. Nicholas from Turkey area).
- Fast Park Shoutout and Random Drops [00:44:21] — Matt thanks Fast Park and Ride for ‘Dale Dudley treatment’ after emailing them. They play random old sound effects from archives including Andy Griffith, Seinfeld Festivus references, and discuss unfinished Seinfeld 9/11 script.
- Breaking and Entering Meeting Plans [00:49:13] — Show wraps early so crew can pick Breaking and Entering charity families. Matt plans to skip the meeting because his opinions on family selection have caused friction in past years, and his voice is too far gone to participate.
Recurring Bits
- The Sideshow [00:20:39] — Dale mentions wishing Crystal could be at their sideshow; later references doing sideshow today without Matt
Callers
- unnamed [00:02:12] — Asked about ‘goddamn bill’ sound effect Dale explained it’s from Tesla autopilot video with older woman freaking out
- unnamed [00:02:52] — Asked about ‘8182’ drop Dale explained it’s mentally ill friend obsessed with him, saying ‘8182’ was the year
- unnamed [00:05:15] — Asked about ‘who cares’ drop Dale explained it’s Pat Robertson
- unnamed [00:05:37] — Asked about ‘I don’t want to hear Niall in the morning’ Dale explained it was caller during fight with former afternoon host Nigel
- unnamed [00:06:39] — Asked about ‘I hate this place’ Dale explained it’s from HBO documentary ‘Inside Bellevue’ about OCD patient in hospital
- unnamed [00:08:22] — Asked about ‘why are my rights being read’ Dale explained it’s from Cops episode with muscled guy named Kent in domestic dispute
- unnamed [00:10:06] — Asked about ‘I was scared’ drop Matt explained it’s tornado survivor interview
- unnamed [00:13:17] — Asked about ‘Attention citizens of Texas’ Dale explained it’s Frankie, Asperger’s guy fascinated with weather who’s wildly accurate at predictions
- unnamed [00:14:38] — Asked about ‘you can do it’ drop Determined to be Rob Schneider from Waterboy after some debate
- unnamed [00:15:16] — Asked about double rainbow drop Dale explained Hawaiian man on mountain seeing two rainbows and getting emotional, 10+ years old
- Crystal (UAE (Middle East)) (regular) [00:18:28] — Asked about ‘Bob is the one that over-talks everybody’ drop origin Dale explained it was caller who incorrectly identified Bob as the over-talker. Crystal called from 7pm her time using VPN, discussed Sharia law, Emirates Airlines, confirmed coming on comedy cruise
- unnamed [00:26:42] — Offered to help Matt get into ENT doctor through wife’s connections Matt appreciated but said he’d see his regular doctor first for referral
- unnamed [00:31:11] — Asked about ‘thank you Jesus Christ for videos’ Dale explained woman in dispute with trash truck being videotaped, ranting
- unnamed [00:48:45] — Asked about ‘congratulations Serrano’s’ drop Bob explained it was Earl Campbell commercial for Serrano’s anniversary – hosts admit they were meaner back then mocking his speech
Quotes
I’m going to quit drinking on weekends. I have no confidence when I come in on Monday.
Dale Dudley [00:12:13]
Take a good look at this photo… We’re looking at like a towel or something.
Dale Dudley [00:25:28]
Right after all that stuff comes out, you have such shame you don’t feel like doing anything.
Dale Dudley [00:30:49]